So much to say!!!

I am going to make this as short and sweet as possible...

Zoey FINALLY had surgery on July 19th.  Everything went great!  She came back to her room with a chest tube, a ropgle (the suction for her esophagus) intubated, and with a thousand IV's and some brand new boo boos!
Here are a few pictures from right before surgery:

The staff of the NICU was kind enough

to make an acception for us to bring Abbey back for

a prayer before they took Zoey over.  Stewart leaned

her in so she could see Zoey and she reached

out her hand to touch her, as if to say, everything is going to be

ok.

It was such a heart warming moment.

We were also lucky enough to snap a quick shot

of the 4 of us before abbey had to get out of there.

This might not be the greatest picture, but this

is the first family photo of all four of us together. ever.



After Surgery:

Over the course of the next few days Zoey really started to progress.
Her first night she opened her eyes to see what all the fuss was about.

The next day, Zoey decided she was going to breathe over the ventilator and that she didn't need it anymore..so to oxygen we go =)

Then that night she decided she no longer needed the ropgle because she was a big girl now and could swallow her own spit, so she pulled it out herself!

I moved the oxygen just for the photo, she was still on it though.

That day she also decided that she was ready to go back into her big girl crib.

And then she decided that she just didn't need the oxygen anyways...she was ready to have nothing on her face for the first time in her little bitty life.



And she was quite happy about having nothing on her face too...and so was mommy and daddy!

Progression has been somewhat slow to say the least.  Zoey is doing just great though.  A week after her surgery we went for an Esophagram, which is where they have her swallow contrast and watch it go down under live x-ray to make sure that she has no leaks in her esophagus.

Unfortunatly she had a very tiny one.  Until there are no leaks in her esophagus at the repair site, zoey has to have a chest tube in place ready to drain any fluid that might leak from her esophagus. However, they gave her the contrast in a bottle to see how she would do...and she did so well!  Never choked up or anything. Took like she has been taking one since day one!

The next study will hopefully be tomorrow, or tuesday, which will be day 10 or 11 after the last study.  By now there should be no more leaking and we should be able to remove her chest tube, start her on feeds, and get ready to GO HOME!!!!

We have run into small "minor" (haha) issues however.

One- Zoey has now been moved into isolation...her chest tube, that so badly needs to come out, is growing Staph.  The problem is, you can't just take it out.  Everyone I have talked to has asked, well why don't they just take it out.  Its not that easy.  Even though there is no fluid coming out of it, and the leak has likely closed up by now, you can not just take it out until she has a study and we are 100% sure she is healed.  So there is no way around it. Which is why we are really hoping her esophagram is tomorrow because then it can be taken out.  But, Zoey does not have staph.  It is growing in her chest tube in old nasty fluid that has been there since surgery...she is on antibiotics to make sure that she stays healthy, and uninfected.

Two- Zoey had a new G-Button put in during surgery...when we tried to restart her feeds a few days after surgery, it started leaking again.  We were not to happy about this to say the least after what happened the last time.  I decided that four g-buttons later...yes 4!! Something else needed to be done.  I felt like the only option I really had at this point, was to fire her surgeon and get a new one on board that would actually listen to mine and Stewart's concerns.  So that is just what I did.  We now have the chief of surgery taking over her case...and every idea or option that we thought would work for zoey, he thought was great too.  I had asked her old surgeron if we could take out Zoey's button, close the hole and put in a new one in, in a different and better position.  She said it couldn't be done, and that Zoey's stomach was too small.  The new surgeon has said it can be done no problem.

I also asked months ago, if Zoey could have the g-tube put back in because it did not leak near as bad...but the old surgeon never did.  Finally 4 g-buttons later and 5 months later, she has realized she can't prove me wrong by making the g-button work, and was gonig to put in the tube...This is probably what sent me over the edge...Something could have been done that I suggested a long time ago, but it was just tossed to the side.  Needless to say Zoey does not have a tube right now, because I would not let her touch my child.

So here is the game plan. 

Zoey will be going over for an esophagram.  If there are no leaks her chest tube will come out.  Then while we are in radiology, we will see if we can get a transpyloric tube down her nose and through her tummy.  This will go through the pylorus muscle and into the intestines.  If we can do that, we will take out her g-button and close up the whole.  Then we will see what Zoey can do.  If she takes full feeding, then awesome, but not likely.  We already know she can suck and swallow out of a bottle which is very impressive and quite suprising.  But, can her tummy hold a minimum of 4 oz?  Which is what she needs to maintain and gain weight.   Probably not right now. We will need a way to be able to feed her, without overloading her...which is why we have the tube.  Whatever she can't finish we will push with a syringe into the tube.  It will also bypass the tummy so that she does not get too full, and throw it all up.

Hopefully within a coupld of days her g-button site will be healed up, she will be taking full feedings, and we can get rid of the tube and go home.  That would be just fantastic....

But here is the more likely scenario....

Either A, she doesn't take to full feeds, and she is getting ready to go home in a few days so we will need to take her over for a new and better g-button, because babies can't go home with a tranpyloric tube.  If she ever pulled it out I would have no way to put it back in without coming back to the hospital.  So a g-button is just more practical.

Or B, we can't even get a transpyloric tube down to begin with, so we will take her over to surgery, take out the old button, close the hole, make a new one, and then use that to give her the rest of her feedings.

Either option is great, and could mean her coming home within the next week in a half, to two weeks...

As long as their is no leaking...so I pray, that there is no leaking and I can finally take my baby home!!



Oh boy...where do I even begin!

Oh my goodness, I do not even know where to begin.  But I am going to try my best to tell you what happened.  First off I want to say, I don't think the Big Guy upstairs ever left Zoey's bedside, and I think he heard each and everyone of our prayers, and Thank you to those of you who prayed for her.  I think miracles really do happen, because I have one asleep in Room 5 of the Jones tower in Downtown Fort Worth right now.


I think this all goes back to Tuesday -

I received a call from Zoey's doctor Tuesday morning, he told me that Zoey was doing fine but her saturation levels for her oxygen kept dipping down kind of low.  So, he decided that she needed to be on just a little bit of oxygen to help her keep her stats up.  She was barely on .1 of oxygen which is almost nothing, and she was doing very well.  I asked why he thought her stats were dropping, and he said he thought that it was because she was getting bigger and producing more saliva that the suction was not always keeping up with it, and every now and again she would aspirate just enough to cause irritation in her lungs for it to mess with her saturation levels.  This made perfect sense to me.  There have been several time while holding her that her suction tube did not keep up with her saliva and she kind of coughs up some of it and chokes just a little like you or I would if swallowed something down the wrong pipe.  Other then that Zoey was doing just fine....

Stew and I made a trip up there wednesday to see her for her first fourth of july, and she was just so darn precious!

This was Zoey when we left Wednesday.

So the rest of the week Zoey was doing just fine, although, she had slowly kept losing weight over the next few days and her g-button sight had really increased in the amount of leakage that was coming out of it.  Myself, Stewart, and nurses pointed this out to everyone, but the only answer we ever got was that "g-buttons leak."  (umm excuse me no g-buttons do not leak to the point that my daughter is having seizures!!!! but we will get to that later.)  No one was jus too terribly concerned about her weight loss because it was just a couple of ounces and babies fluctuate their weight all of the time.  We had planned to move back up to Fort Worth on Saturday because as most of you know Zoey's surgery was scheduled for Tuesday the 10th.  I was moving back into the Ronald McDonald home to be closer to Zoey during and after surgery for recovery and everything else that went along with it.  But, stewart got  a phone call on Friday that his work needed some stuff built by Monday, which meant we had to stay for him to do it Saturday since we obviously would't be here because by then we would be back in Fort Worth. 

Well saturday evening came and we called to check on Zoey around 8 o'clock which is the usual time we call and check on her and everything was fine.  Then Sunday morning I called about 8 o'clock again just to check on her and tell the nurse that Stewart and I would be headed that way fairly soon.  Thats when I was put on hold because the doctor wanted to talk to me. (I could literally feel my heart in the back of my throat)  I immediately had an unsettling feeling wondering what was wrong.  It was the night doctor who I was talking to that told me not to be alarmed but Zoey was not "acting herself."  Acting herself?  What do you mean not acting her self?!?!  He told me she seemed very tired and it looked as if she had jerky movements almost like she was having a seizure.  He also said that he had some labs done and her sodium level was low (at 120 and it should be between 135-140) and that a low sodium level could cause her jerky movements but that he would watch her for a little while to make sure.  But he said not to worry and he would call if anything changed...hmmmm don't worry?? Really???  I am 3 1/2 hours away and your telling me my daughter might possibly be having seizures..you're not really sure why..you think you might know..and you don't want me to worry...?  Ok. 

Obviously I was worried.  Stew and I packed our stuff fairly quickly dropped Abbey off with Mary and Jerry and very speedy like were on our way to Fort Worth.  After being on the road for about 20 minutes I decided to just call and check on Zoey since I hadn't heard anything yet.  By this time her original doctor was there and as I was calling him as he was calling me.  He basically said he is just as shocked as I was, and confirmed our fear that Zoey was indeed having not a seizure, but multiple seizures and they were doing everything they could to get them to stop.  He also said he got the results for the labs and he just doesn't understand any of it....everything was completely out of whack....and that they were doing everything they could for her but that he didn't know if she was going to be ok...so our 3 and half our drive turned into 1 hour and 50 minutes...You can imagine our surprise when we entered the room and this is what we saw. 

At this point I'm really not sure what the doctors were saying was wrong with her all Stewart and I could do was stand there and cry..and we cried, and we cried, and we cried some more...I had no words.  I couldn't touch her, I couldn't kiss her, I couldn't hold her...I was helpless.  Her g-button got to the point that it was leaking so much, that the stuff leaking out of it was partially digested, and she was loosing so much stomach acids that she needed to break down other acids in the body that her alkaline levels became dangerously high, and her body basically became acidic.  Everything was off it was either dangerously low, or dangerously high, and her little body could not stand the chemical imbalance anymore..and she began to have seizures.  The last seizure that she had lasted for nearly 40 minutes before they were able to stop it. 

I remember asking her doctor..will she make it?  Will she be OK?  That is all I wanted to know, and he looked at me and said I'm worried, and I can't tell you if she will or not.  That was the WORST day of my life...to hear that you might lose your child, its the worst feeling in the world...to see her lifeless body laying there, and a machine breathing for her and watching her temperature go up from 100 to 105 in less then 5 minutes.  It was the scariest thing I have ever seen.  I've never been more broken hearted in my life.  Now it was just a "wait and see" thing.  We just had to wait and see what she did how she responded to treatment, if IV's were helping... 

But, Thank God for all of the people praying for her...because I really and truley believe that is what pulled her through.  In no time, labs and blood gases were starting to turn around.  Her body began to "wake up" but that wasn't good enough for me... I could not understand why she would not open her eyes...Here they are telling me she is "awake" and she won't open her eyes..I told the nurses, she isn't awake to me, until I see those beautiful blue eyes.  I don't know how many times I needed confirmation that she would open them...one day, she would open them.  I believe it was day 3 after being off of sedation and she still had not opened her eyes,  when the nuerologist came to talk to us.  He told us, "I assume she will open her eyes one day..I can't say if it will be in five minutes, five days, five months, five years.  I don't know."  That information of course did not settle well with me.  None of this had to happen to her...if the doctors would have gotten off of their ASSES (excuse the language) and done something about her g-button Zoey would NEVER have had to go through any of this...they are 100% at fault. 

Later that same day I was sitting by zoey's bed side, and Stewart was pulling me away because he said I needed to  go eat something...I told him just a moment.  I bent down to kiss zoey on the cheeck and I whispered to her, I said; "Zoey, mommy loves you so much, and I can't wait to get you out of this place, but I need you to do something for me, I need you to open your eyes and show me those beautiful blue eyes, so that I know everything is going to be okay."  I kissed her one more time and started to walk away.  For some reason I felt like I needed to look back at her when we started walking away, and to my shock and surprise, there she was staring right back at me.  She had opened her eyes!

So finally, things are better and now we are just waiting to get her back to 100% for surgery..and then maybe we can go home soon!  

A letter to you...

My Dearest Zoey,

I am so sorry for everything you have had to go through, and I so badly wish that I could take it all away.  Every day has been such a struggle and trying to live a "normal" life while going through this is just impossible.  I am so proud of the strength that your little body has.  You have had to go through so much in this short time that you've been on earth, but thankfully it is while you are a baby.  Because, you won't remember all the days you spent in the hospital, you won't remember the days that Mommy and Daddy weren't able to be there to hold you, bathe you, and rock you to sleep at night.  But I will, and it breaks my heart every time I think of how much I've missed out on already...So many people say we have your WHOLE life to make up for this lost time...but those people were able to take there babies home when they were first born.  They don't know this feeling, they don't understand the emptiness I feel inside by not having you home with me...The time that I feel like I've lost out on with you, feels like a lifetime to me.
Every night I hold back the tears, as I lay your sister down to sleep, because I walk right past your empty crib, and am reminded of how you're not here with me.  Everyday I go get Abbey's Bumbo out of the closet for her to sit in, and I have to leave one sitting in the closet all alone...Friday's can't come soon enough, and sunday's come way too fast.  I never would have imagined that you would have to be in the hospital this long...I did so much research before you were born, to prepare myself for what I was dealing with...but I could have never prepared myself for the emotional roller coaster this was going to be.
You're surgery has now been scheduled for July 10, 2012, thats in 11 days.  While I want that date to get here in hurry, the feelings of you going into surgery make me sick to my stomach.  I can't imagine walking back into the prep room, kissing you goodbye, and them wheeling you away from me.  That was so hard the first time I had to do that, and they were just taking you back for a study...I cried and cried and cried, and I just wanted pick you up and hold you and run away somewhere where we could all be together and everything was going to be ok.
You have no idea how badly I want you home, there are so many people who want you to come home.  I can not wait until I can sit in the very back of car looking at 2 car seats with 2 babies in front of me.  It will be such a dream come true.
Last Wednesday for the first time in your life, we got to take you out of the NICU and this time not to be taken over for a procedure.  The ONLY thing I wanted to do was wheel you into where Abbey and Granny were waiting in the waiting room, and sit down and hold both of my girls, and that is just what I did.

The last time I was able to hold you two together was when you were two weeks old, and Abbey was about to leave the NICU...This is what perfect feels like. 

Granny was pretty excited to hold both of you together too!  It was her first time, and she was just beaming! 

I love you so much Zoey, and I hope you always know that!

Love,
Your Mom.

Click Here for : Abbey's Updates!

100 days too long..

I keep up with how many days that Zoey has spent in the NICU, and I have been hoping and praying that it wouldn't ever get to this point. But it did, and I couldn't help but feel down for most of the day, realizing that my baby has been in this world for 100 days now, and has yet to leave the inside of the hospital.  She has no idea what its like to be outside, to see the sunshine, to see her room, to see her house, or ride in the car.  There is so much that she has missed out on, and it just breaks my heart all over again whenever I think of everything.  She has spent a little over 1/4 of the year in the hospital .     =(

I can honestly say that this is the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through in my life, and while I'm trying my  best to be strong, the more days that go by..the less easier it is getting to be.  Thank God, that we are past the "waiting" point however, and something is finally being done...

The Study:

Monday, Zoey was scheduled for another evaluation of the gap between the two ends of her esophagus.  The last time a study was done the gap was a little less then 3 vertebral bodies apart, and it needed to be at a 2 or less for them to be able to do surgery.  I remember how disappointed I was at the last evaluation 4 weeks ago when they weren't able to do surgery...Even though I know she has grown a considerable about since the last study, I just didn't think it was enough to make the gap any closer.  So mentally, I had prepared myself for bad news.  I had already decided that it wasn't going to be close enough and that we were going to have to wait another 2 months before the next study.  I know this is not the way to think..But, I was hoping that by doing this, if we found out her gap was still not close enough, that I wouldn't be as disappointed.  So, Monday morning came and I was so sick to my stomach, I was so anxious just to know something.  Stewart and I went to the hospital 2 hours before the study so we could get some play time in with Zoey.  While we were holding her and playing with her, we had a bunch of nurses and doctors come by and tell us how they were all hoping and praying that it was her time for surgery, and so many of them said there was no way it wasn't going to be close enough to be fixed with as much as she has grown...I just thought they were saying that to offer hope and be nice..

But THANK YOU GOD, they were RIGHT!!! 

We put Zoey in a transport and we walked her over to Cook's Childrens', where they were waiting on us in the Radiology room to do the test.  I did not stay in there for this, although I could have because emotionally it was too hard for me to watch.  I stayed in there when they did the very first study when they thought there was a small connection but it turned out there wasn't.  Watching her choke and scream and cry, was the hardest thing to watch my baby go through.  I watched as her heart rate accelerated to over 300 and then down to 0.   I knew mentally I could not bring myself to go through that again.  I told Stewart I would wait out in the waiting room, and he made the decision to stay in with her.  Because it was happening under live x-ray from where he was sitting he could see the screen and he would immediately know if it was close enough, or if it had grown any. 

That seemed like the longest 10 minutes of my life waiting out in the waiting room, and from where I was sitting I could still hear her crying and screaming.  It was just as hard to listen to as it was the first time, and sitting out in the there all by myself I felt so alone and helpless.  I just wanted to run into the room and grab my baby and take her home.  Finally stewart walked out and he had such a shocked look on his face, and I immediately thought something was wrong.  But, he smiled the biggest smile I have ever seen and he said "its close enough!"  I couldn't help but cry and we just sat there hugging and crying, we were so happy..the wait is Finally over, and she can finally be repaired.  It seems like we've waited a lifetime for this, and that we've waited to hear that for so long, it seemed like we never would.  But we did. 

So now we are waiting to hear from the Surgeons on a date and time..it could be as early as this week sometime or it could be in two weeks, depending on when they can get there schedules coordinated. 

But, what is two weeks in the grand scheme of things when we've waited 14 long weeks just to hear that she is ready. 

I personally would rather have a little time to gather all of my thoughts, and come to the realization that little Zoey is having surgery..I've wanted this for so long now, and then now that I have to think about them cutting her open and doing pretty major surgery on a little 8lb baby its kind of scary. 

The road ahead of us is about to get pretty bumpy with surgery, and then recovery..and I hope Stew and I are able to handle this as well as we've handled everything else.  This has been so hard on us emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially...the back and forth and back and forth and waiting and hoping is really taking a tole on us..but at least we are "hopefully" on the downhill slide. 

I just can not wait until its time to bring her home and I don't have to go anywhere, or do anything but stay at home and take care of my two beautiful little girls, and we can finally be all together as a family.

Such a Happy Baby for everything she has been through! 

Rocking Time! 

Look how big she's gotten!! Any much bigger and they are going to have to get her a bigger crib! 

Daddy and Zoey! 

The Game Plan! =)

Just thought I would do a quick update for everybody!

Stewart and I are so very excited to let everyone know that Zoey is 8lbs 3.1oz!!!!!!!
Woo-HOO!  I can't not believe she is 8lbs I feel like it has been such a hurdle to get her here..but we are finally on the right path!

As of right now the study is tentatively scheduled for Monday, June 18th.  We don't have a time yet, just a date.  They will do it a little differently this time though.  Instead of doing it in the operating room with the intent to do surgery if its close enough, they will be doing the study under live x-ray in the radiology department, that way they only have to give her local anesthetics and she won't have to be intubated.  This gives us time to prepare for surgery both mentally and physically if she is close enough to be repaired.  That way any family or friends who want to be there for her surgery are able to come.
Luckily everyone seems to think that Zoey will be 100% ready to be repaired, and since she has gained almost 2lbs since the last study that helps out a lot as far as how her recovery will go.
I've realized though, that I have been praying for and wanting her surgery to get here so fast because I want her better and to come home...but now that the realization of she more then likely will be having her surgery this next week has hit me..I'm not sure if I am ready for it.  I just keep thinking of my little 8lb baby having surgery, and having to put my trust in God and the surgeons hands that she will be ok.
But I know that Stewart and myself have to be strong for her, and for Abbey.  This week and this next week will be so stressful though, and I am having such a hard time going to sleep at  night thinking about all of the things that are to come in the next few week.  I know we will get through this just fine just like we have every other obstacle, and in the end when I get to sit in the nursery holding both girls in my arm it will all be worth every bit of what we've had to go through.

Zoey is just a little bundle of joy though and Stewart and I look forward to the days that we get to go spend time with her.  She is working on her head control and really learning to like her bumbo, especially if you talk to her while she is in it.  She also loves to sit up in her bouncy chair and watch the Cat in the Hat.  I have never seen a baby so interested in a  movie as she is in the Cat in the Hat.  She has wonderful nurses that just love to play with her and spend time with her when Stewart and myself are not able to be there.  This last weekend we got to give her a bath for the first time by ourselves!  It was a little intimidating, but we managed...and we made it through without her screaming at us so that was plus =)

My soon to be chunky monkey!

Just thought I would post a quick..HOORAY! YIPPE!! WOO-HOO!!

Little Miss Zoey jumped that 7lb hurdle last night and is 7lbs 1.5oz!

Getting Bigger!! =)

Just a quick update before Stewart and I head back up to the hospital for the evening since its been awhile!

Little Zoey is doing just wonderful!  After her study two wednesdays ago we found out that two ends of Zoey's esophagus were about two and half vertebral bodies apart.  We need it to be at two or less to have surgery.  So THANK YOU GOD, we are almost there!

Another study will be done in about two and half weeks, with the intent to do surgery if the two ends are close enough by then.  Both Surgeons were very optimistic (if we could get her on the right track and growing) that we will be able to have the surgery done.

When they did the last study they found out why Zoey's button was leaking so much, the ballon that fills up at the end of the button to hold it in place was almost completely blocking off the part of the stomach where the food exits into her intestines. So it took her much longer to digest food because it passed through so slowly, and by her next feeding her stomach had not had time to empty, and more milk being pushed on top of what was already in there was what kept causing the leakage.  However, another new button has been put in, this time one with a shorter stem so that it doesn't block off that exit as much.  As of now her leaking has almost completely stopped!  We also had a wound care team from the hospital come take a look at the skin around Zoey's button, and they gave the nurses a special spray/powder concoction to put around it.  It has improved 1000%!!! I am so happy about it!  She doesn't even fuss or cry or anything when you touch it or clean it, and it is now just a very pale pale pink instead of a bright angry red!

When they took her off of the IV last week she steadily lost weight for a few days.  This had Stewart and myself pretty concerned, but the neonatoligst assured us that is was more then likely fluid weight from the IV that was exiting her system.  They went ahead and put Zoey on continuous feeds instead of of a 2 hour feeding every three hours.  This way the food would have time to exit the stomach and not so much was getting pushed in at one time.  This means she is getting fed 24/7 but she is back up to full feeds and getting 27 calories per ounce plus they have added micro lipids to her feedings.  Since Monday Zoey has gone from 6lbs 7.5 oz to 6lbs 15.3 oz as of last night!  They are only weighing her every 24 hours so by 8:30 tonight we should know if Zoey has finally reached 7lbs!  It seems like it has taken forever to get here but I know this roller coaster ride that we've been on since March will be all worth it when we finally get to have our little family together for the first time.

This is what Zoey's button looked like before, and what it looks like now, after the wound care team has been looking after it! 

               BEFORE                          AFTER

Poor Zoey, you know that had to hurt so bad!

“Home is the nicest word there is.” ― Laura Ingalls Wilder

Well I did it...Abbey and I came home.  I went up yesterday with Mary, Jerry, and Stewart, and we went and picked up the rest of our things and came home.

We stopped at the hospital first and when I saw Zoey for the first time all weekend I just held her and cried and Stew cried.  I so badly just want to tell the nurses "Thank you for all your help but I'm taking my baby home!"  If only it were that easy =(
She is doing so wonderful though, and has gained up to 6lbs 7oz!  She is finally coming along and every ounce she gains is just one ounce closer to coming home!
I doubt I'll be able to make it until Friday before I see her again so I'm sure one day this week I will be making a day trip up to see her... Yesterday wasn't as hard as I had imagined it would be...When we left the hospital I was Ok, when I left my Aunt and Uncles house I cried for a little bit, but when we passed the hospital on our way home I fought back the tears as best as I could and I felt like my heart was just breaking in half.  I think just then it hit me that I wouldn't be seeing her everyday, and that I was leaving my little baby in that hospital and she wasn't coming home with us.

It was such a strange feeling when I woke up this morning in my own home, knowing that I wasn't just visiting.  I wasn't sure what to do, by now I'm usually up trying to get ready to go see Zoey, and instead I got to take my time getting up and relax a little with Abbey and rock her in that brand new rocking chair I have for the girls.  Abbey and I were able to break that in for the first time this morning too.  I had already given her a bottle but she wasn't quite ready to go to sleep, and I didn't want to wake Stewart up because he has a big day at work today so we went back into the nursery and rocked.  Then at about 5:30 Stewart came in there and woke me up because I had not only rocked Abbey to sleep but I had rocked myself back to sleep as well.

So we will see how this week goes, I feel like I am handling it pretty well so far but its only the next morning...I have a bunch of stuff to do today to keep myself busy so maybe I won't' have time to sit and think...

Finally gaining weight!! =)

Zoey is finally gaining weight!! YAY!! =)  She has steadily gone up and up over the last few days..and has not lost any..even if its just half an ounce we are grateful for every little bit!  As of today she weighs 6lbs 4.4oz!! I came home for the weekend, so I don't have any new pictures to post right now but I will be back with her tomorrow and am sure I will catch up on all of the picture taking I missed over the weekend!  I've talked to the nurses all weekend long checking on her and she is doing just wonderful.

I, however have been talking to family all weekend long about a tough decision I am trying to make right now..

Being home for the weekend has been wonderful for Abbey and I.  While I miss Zoey I can't help but feel like I should be home with Abbey more then I am, but the thought of not seeing Zoey just eats me up!  Zoey has the best baby sitters she could possibly have so I shouldn't worry about her.  But I have seriously considered moving back home and going back up Friday evenings after Stewart gets off of work and the two of us spending all weekend with Zoey.  Together we could spend more time with her Friday through Sunday then I am able to alone during the week.  I am allowed to call the NICU anytime of day, and sometimes find myself waking up at 2 a.m. to call and check on her, but it helps me feel better about not being there to see her, knowing that I can call and check on her anytime I want to. 

Its hard because Zoey isn't our only baby, and its hard to feel like I'm doing the right thing for both.  I am living away from home so I can go visit Zoey every day even if its just for an hour and half, but then because of that Stewart doesn't get to see either one of his girls until the weekend.  Its not fair to Abbey that she doesn't get to go home and be with both parents because I have her with me in Fort Worth.  So I haven't quite decided what I am going to do yet,  I feel so much relief on the weekends I come home, even though I call the NICU every two hours I know Zoey is ok..there is nothing we can do right now except let her grow and get bigger while we wait for surgery...other then that she is perfectly fine, and abbey is doing great, but she doesn't get to see any of her family either because I have her with me. 

So I have a tough decision to make and am not completely sure of what I want to do...I think I'm about to lose my marbles being so far away from home and my family, but I don't know if I will go crazy being away from Zoey when I'm used to seeing her every day....

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Slow Weight Gain =(

Zoey has once again gone another day without gaining any weight.  She has steadily held on at 6lbs 1.7oz, she was 6lbs 2oz earlier this week but lost .3oz.
The doctors have upped her calorie intake to 24 calories every ounce and have added rice to her feedings. Hopefully that will help and she will just take off, because the bigger she gets the closer we are to coming home!

On a plus note, her Mic-Key (also known as a G-Button)  is looking much better and is not leaking very much at all anymore.  I'm sure she is just as excited about that as I am, because the leaking is what was causing the irritation since the stuff coming out contained a bunch of stomach acids.

I will be going home tomorrow (Thursday)  I have a doctors appointment in Abilene and then I will be home for the weekend..I can't stand being away from her, and I feel so bad when I leave her knowing that I'm not going to get to see her for two days..but for my sanity it is good to get a weekend home every now and then, and she has the best baby sitters she could possibly have. Plus the next weekend is Mother's day weekend, and I couldn't imagine anywhere else that I would want to be then to spend the entire day in the hospital with Zoey and Abbey.

So if you pray lets pray that little zoey starts getting chunky like her sister!

 I got a little smile out of her today! =) 

 snoozing away! 

 This is what her G-Button looks like, its still pretty red but it actually looks a lot better!  At one point the redness went all the way across her little belly =(

She was happily watching her aquarium today when I left, snug as a bug!

A Waiting Game

A bunch of people keep asking when Zoey's surgery will be and when we will be able to come home...to be honest we really don't have a definite answer.

When Zoey is twelve weeks old the surgeon will do a study to see how big the gap is between the two ends.  If it is two vertebral bodies or less then they will more then likely be able to do the surgery to repair her esophagus.  We are really hoping and praying that this is the case.  However if the two ends are too far apart then the next step is to wait two more months when Zoey is five months old.  If by then the two ends are still not close enough together and it looks like they haven't come closer since the last study then we will have to look at other options such as building her a new esophagus out of her intestines.  Which is an option we really don't want to even think about.
The last time I talked to the surgeon though, she was fairly optimistic that when they did the study at twelve weeks that the two ends would be close enough together for her to have her repair.  So right now we are just waiting for her to get bigger and get to twelve weeks before we will know anything else.

The Girls Birth Day!

Because of being away from home a month before the girls were born most people did not see how incredibly large I got.  I have avoided putting these pictures on Facebook because I look horrible/miserable but for the sake of the blog I thought I would indulge you in just what it looks like to carry two babies in your tummy at one time. 

The ones of me in the purple dress were about two weeks before the girls were born.  In that last two weeks I gained about 10 more pounds from the extra fluid build up that was around Zoey.  I'm sure you can all just imagine how miserable I was. 

Their Birth Story:

I had been going to the doctor twice a week since I had moved up to Fort Worth.  My blood pressure just kept creeping up and up and I kept getting more and more swollen at every appointment that I went to, but we kept trying to hold out as long as we could, we were trying our best to make it to 36 weeks.  I had gone for a doctors appointment on the Thursday before the girls were born, and everything checked out normal.  My mother-in-law was with me for that appointment and since my next appointment wasn't until Monday and I was scheduled for my C-Section on that next Wednesday I begged my mother-in-law to take me home for the weekend. 

The weekend was pretty uneventful until about 12:00 a.m. Sunday morning.  I started experiencing pretty bad pain in my abdomen, but decided I would wait it out and see if maybe it was just a false alarm...I held off until about 5:00 a.m. when I finally decided to let Stewart know that I had been up in pain all night.  He rushed around to get all of my stuff together so that we could head back up to Fort Worth.  He was pretty panicked because it was an almost 4 hour drive.  Half way there I ended up falling asleep and the pain had almost completely gone away.  When we arrived to Fort Worth however, we decided to go ahead and go on to the hospital just to make sure everything was ok.  They hooked me up to the monitors and it turns out that I was having mild contractions, but my doctor took one look at my incredibly swollen face/body and decided we were going to wait no longer, it was baby time! 

(This was me that night after having the girls, I guess none of us really realized until afterwards just how swollen I had gotten in those last couple of days)

They got me all prepped for the OR and by 3:00 I was headed back to have those babies! 

Abbey Beth Williams

Born at 3:10 p.m. on March 11, 2012

5lbs 8oz 19 inches long

Zoey Ann Williams

Born at 3:11 p.m. on March 11, 2012

4lbs 9oz 18 3/4 inches long

The two most beautiful little girls I have ever seen blessed our lives on March 11, and they have been such a great blessing since.  We could not imagine our lives without them.